Maybe

And so I persist in engulfing myself in words with meanings that rub me the wrong way. But, for what it’s worth, My Colombian War does have a few redeeming qualities apart form its occasional irritating commentary.

Silvana is on a plane, going back to Colombia, and when says, in her internal monologue, of course, “ To them Colombia might not be at war. But I am at war with Colombia.” Well, obviously she is at war with Colombia, but that’s in the same way someone is in war with seafood. Like I am. The thing is, I have no personal experience with having ever actually tasted it and my conflict is driven by the mere suffocating stench that accompanies its presence. In that same way, Paternostro is at odds with her country due to her complete obliviousness where its concerned. But I’m being biased. In all seriousness, I actually liked her statement and thought it pretty much grasped the theme of the novel. This book isn’t about Las FARC or the corrupted government, or Silvana’s inability to say anything remotely accurate. This novel is not about the physical war that was happening in Colombia at the moment. This is a novel about Silvana’s inner struggle to accept Colombia as her country and feel connected to it in one way or the other. It is an emotional war about her striving to feel like she actually belongs in said country.

And maybe a war to understand her country so as not to write publicized trash to litter everyone’s minds with fallacious waste.

That was uncalled for. I dearly apologize.

So here I was thinking that was compensating for her previous bash-inducing prose, but then, she decided to add this: “I am going back because there is a war, brutal war, a war full of horror. I am going to tell them that each and every one knows it, allows it, and hides it. Everyone has blood on their hands. I want everyone to plead guilty.”

Oh, and she was doing so well. At first this pissed me off. I got the impression that she was emphasizing such harsh statements and pinning them on the whole population. Almost as if everyone was somehow encased in the same tiny bubble where resounding blood and dripping brutality reverberated against its walls, tainting every single inhabitant. Almost as if every single one of us, including the nuns in their secular path to please God without getting near touching distance of sin, were part of this war. And the fact that she sounds so righteous and accusing, as if she has the right to judge makes it even worse. The fact that she decides to leave Colombia behind without a backwards glance and suddenly return playing God, telling everyone to admit their wrongdoings because she sees it so, makes my blood curdle like milk. “Everyone has blood on their hands. I want everyone to plead guilty.” Is she including herself in that ‘everyone’? Exactly.

But then I thought that maybe in a twisted way, she has a point. If she is talking about the actual physical, death-rendering war, it’s true that as a country we’re all a chain of dominoes that see how our country’s fate plays out. Our guilt doesn’t go to the extent she describes, but in a way, there is so much we could do that we just don’t. And maybe when she talks about war and everyone’s guilt, she’s signalling out certain people or events that have affected her a great deal in a negative way. But her use of ‘everyone’ makes me highly doubt that.

Who knows, though? Maybe someone harmed her a great deal to the point where she got mentally scarred and so opened up to the fact of moving away from Colombia. (That sounds like a Hollywood movie). Maybe then this would make more sense and seem less impetuous. Maybe.